Is Love Really Enough?
by amksschristian
Summary: It's kinda hard to explain. AU set in the future. People are saying it's an OOC so
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"Deeks, I can't keep doing this with you. I'm getting so tired of this."

"So am I. I'm wholly and completely in love with you. I love you, but you don't make it easy. I try to get in, break down your walls, but you just relent. You only let me see what you want me to see. We're married, for God's sake! When will you let me in?"

"I don't know. When I'm ready, I guess."

"We've known each other for 13 years, 8 of those years we've be a couple, and 3 of those years we've been married. When are you gonna realize that I love you?"

"I know you love me. I love you."

"Do you? Do you really love me?"

"What the hell kind of question is that? Of course I love you."

"Then why do I feel like I give you 100% of my heart, and you only give me 50 of yours?"

"Because maybe I do."

"Am I missing something here? Is there someone else?"

"Are you asking if I'm cheating on you?"

"Are you?"

"What do you want the answer to be?"

"I want it to be no!"

"Then that's my answer."

"Tell me the truth, Kensi. Are you cheating on me?"

"Yes. I'm cheating on you."

"How could you?"

"I guess I thought marriage was gonna be fun. It was, until you brought up kids again. With Ethan, there is no heavy conversation, no hard, life changing decisions. It's just sex. Good, mind blowing sex."

"Why is it that you keep going back and fourth on kids? You're 35 years old! You're married! Just decide already. It's a simple yes or no question. Do you want kids?"

"No."

"Then maybe I made a mistake marrying you."

"What?"

"I want kids, Kensi. I pretty much always have. I'm 38, and I'm not getting any younger."

"Fine. You want a divorce, then show me the papers."

"You're willing to give up, just like that?"

"You just said this marriage was a mistake. Maybe we can even get an annulment. It'll be like this marriage never happened."

"Now you're just making a joke out of this."

"Because it's funny. It's funny how unfunny this whole situation is."

"I'm being serious, Kensi. I want kids with all my heart. I love you. You are my world, but kids would be my universe. I can't continue to wait for you to be ready. Like I said, I'm not getting any younger. I need to do something with my life right now. Not in 5 years, or 10, but right now."

"Then, we're getting a divorce. I'm not gonna be the reason you're miserable for the rest of your life."

"I'm so sorry."

"So am I."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The divorce was finalized within 8 weeks. Kensi had given Deeks her rings, moved out with all of her junk, and basically refused to acknowledge that he even existed.

"God, why does this keep happening?" Kensi said as she threw up for the seventh morning in a row.

"Kensi, is there anyway you could be pregnant?" Julia asked. Kensi had moved in temporarily with her mom, until she could find a place of her own.

"No. I was always so careful. We always used protection."

"Condoms break."

"I can't be pregnant. I just divorced the love of my life, after I cheated on him. I can't have a kid. We got a divorce because I didn't want a kid."

"Just take a test. You could just be sick, but it's better to know for sure."

"Ok."

Kensi got quickly dressed, and drove to the closest store. She picked up a few different kinds of pregnancy tests, and drove back to her mom's house. Luckily, she had a full bladder, so she was able to take the pregnancy tests immediately.

Kensi anxiously waited the 5 minutes the tests required.

She lifted the paper towel she'd covered them with, and picked up one.

Pregnant

Kensi frantically checked the others, and they all said the same things. The most descriptive one told her that she was 9-10 weeks.

She sat down on the bathroom floor, brought her knees up to her chest, and buried her head in her knees. She wasn't crying. She couldn't. She was just so numb.

"Kensi." Julia said quietly as she knocked on the door.

"Come in." Kensi whispered.

Julia slowly opened the door, and walked over to the counter. She picked up a pregnancy test, and read the results.

"I'm so sorry, Baby Bird."

"It's my fault. I should've been more careful."

"It takes two, Kensi. You're not the only one at fault."

"I'm the one who cheated. I'm the one who broke my wedding vows, and my love's heart. I'm the one who got pregnant. I'm the one who put myself in that position."

"It'll be ok. You'll talk to Marty, and the other guy. When the baby's born, you can get a DNA test, if you feel one is needed. Maybe you'll get lucky, and the baby will have blonde hair and ocean blue eyes and you'll know who the father is."

"I don't even know if I'm having this baby. I don't want it. It won't want me. What if this baby isn't Deeks'? If he ever finds out, he'll be crushed, maybe even beyond repair. How can I do that to him?"

"Kensi, you're not some naïve teenager. You're 35 years old. You are perfectly capable of taking care of a child. You have a man who is willing to be an amazing father."

"I don't want a baby."

"But Marty does."

"But I don't!"

"Do not yell at me." Julia told Kensi, sternly.

"I just got out of a divorce. I might or might not be having my ex-husband's baby. I cannot have this baby."

"Are you going to tell, Marty?"

"No."

"He should at least know. Even if you don't have the baby, he has a right to know."

"I'll think about it."

"You should think fast. You need to decide soon. 9 months is not as much time as you think it is."

"I know."

"I'm going out. I'm having brunch with some friends, and then going shopping. I don't know when I'll be back."

"Ok. Have fun."

Julia picked up her things, and headed out the door. Kensi continued to sit in the living room for awhile. She didn't really move. She was still pretty numb. She had a lot to think about.

After an hour of sitting almost completely still, she figured she should bite the bullet, and talk to Deeks for the first time in a month.

She texted Deeks, but revised her message 10 times before she finally sent it.

Can we talk?-K

Kensi checked her phone every 5 seconds, hoping to see Deeks' response. Finally after 45 minutes, Deeks responded with:

Why would I talk to you?-D

Kensi felt hurt, but she also felt guilty about being hurt. It wasn't her right. She did this to herself.

_I have something really important that we need to talk about.-K_

_Nothing is that important, Kensi.-D_

_I really need to talk to you.-K_

_Fine. I will give you 10 minutes. Where are you?-D_

_I'm at my mom's house.-K_

_I'll be there soon.-D_


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Deeks drove over to Julia's house, but sat in the driveway for awhile, trying to mentally prepare himself for what was to come. After a few minutes, contemplating whether or not he should really be doing this, he built up the courage to go inside.

He knocks on the door, and Kensi opens it.

"Come in." She mumbles, as she steps aside.

Deeks walked in, and sat on the couch.

"What is it you need to tell me so badly?"

Kensi say down on the couch across from Deeks, and stared down at her lap.

"I'm pregnant."

"You're what!?"

"9 weeks."

"How long have you known?"

"I found out this morning."

"Who do you think it belongs to?"

"I don't know." She shrugged.

"What are you gonna do?"

"I don't want a baby."

"If it's mine, I'll take the baby. I'll raise him or her by myself. You never even have to know they exist."

"And if it's not yours?"

"Then it's not really my problem."

"So what are you gonna do? You're just gonna wait until it's born, and be completely unprepared? Or are you gonna buy everything, and then have to take it all back if it's not yours?"

"It doesn't really matter. You'll be in the hospital for a couple of days. I'll buy everything then."

"I don't want to give birth in a hospital."

"But it's the safest way."

"Women have been giving birth at home for thousands of years."

"That's not safe, Kensi."

"You're not the one who has to give birth."

"Why do you already have this planned out? I thought you didn't even want kids?"

"I have thought about everything aspect of having a kid, and then I made my decision about not having one."

"I have to go back to work."

"Right."

Deeks got up and walked out, and Kensi was left on the couch. She wanted to cry so badly, but she couldn't get any tears to come out. She was just numb. She sat on the couch for hours, barely moving. She didn't even notice when her mom walked in. She could tell her mom was talking to her, but she didn't know what she was saying.

She was just numb.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Months had gone by since Kensi told Deeks she was pregnant. Kensi had continued to stay at her mom's house, and she had officially resigned from NCIS. She was kind of a lazy bum. She'd stay at home all day, binge watching and binge eating. Then she'd have dinner with her mom, and go to bed. She'd done this for 8 months now.

She was now 41 weeks pregnant, a week overdue. She was just waiting for some sign that this baby was ready to get out.

It wasn't until she was 42 weeks, that Kensi had her first contraction. She waited and waited, and the contractions started becoming more regular, and stronger. Finally, a day after she had her first contraction, her water broke, all over her bed. It was at this time, Kensi figured she should go to the hospital. Since her mom was at work, Kensi had no choice but to drive herself. And that's exactly what she did.

She had to pull over 5 times during the 30 minute car ride, but she made it to the hospital. She was taken to triage, and the doctors discovered that she was 9 centimeters dilated, and completely effaced.

Kensi only had enough time to call Ethan and Deeks, before she was taken to the delivery room.

Kensi didn't have any one in the room with her, and that's exactly how she wanted it. She wanted this to be as quick and as "painless" as possible. She didn't want anyone to see her so vulnerable; so weak.

An hour passed, before Kensi started having the urge to push. It was at this time that 3 nurses and a doctor walked in. The doctor prepped for birth, and the nurses put Kensi's legs in the stirrups. She pushed on every contraction. She didn't scream, she didn't cry, she just pushed. She pushed, and pushed, and pushed. She had been pushing for an hour.

Finally, after an hour, she started crowning. 3 contractions later, Kensi birthed a beautiful baby girl. Again, Kensi didn't cry. She just laid there, waiting for the doctor to clean her up. The nurse asked Kensi if she wanted to see her baby, but Kensi said no. She didn't want to get emotionally attached. She just wanted this whole mess to be over with.

Eventually, Kensi's mom had arrived, and Kensi allowed her in the room. Julia held the baby, and fed her her first bottle. Julia tried to get Kensi to acknowledge the baby, but her actions were futile. Kensi refused.

Julia told the nurse that they need DNA tests, and the nurse cane back with two kits. One for Deeks and one for Ethan.

Julia went out to the waiting room, and found both of them. She gave the swabs to them, and then packaged them up. She went back to the room, and gently swabbed the baby's mouth. Julia then gave the swabs to the nurse, and sat back down with the baby.

"Kensi, why won't you just hold her? She's your daughter."

"I don't want to get attached. She's not my child. I don't want a baby."

"She is yours, Kensi. You gave birth to her."

"Just because I gave birth to her, doesn't mean she's mine."

"But she is, Kensi. No is taking her away, right now. Until we find out the results, she is still yours. She's all yours."

"I don't want her."

"But she needs you. She needs a mom."

"The nurses and you are taking care of her. She's fine."

"She doesn't even have a name. Her carriage says 'Baby Girl Blye.' That's not a proper name."

"She's not mine to name. Her father can name her."

"Why are you being so stubborn?"

"I don't want a baby. I don't need a baby. She's not mine, and she never will be."

"Fine, Kensi." Julia said, giving up.

The DNA results came back within 12 hours. The hospital had them rushed, because the baby had no legal guardian.

"Kensi, the results are back. Do want to know who the father is?"

"No."

"Ok."

Julia walked out of the room, and walked into the waiting room. Ethan and Deeks were still there, even though it was late at night.

"The results are in." She said, holding a piece of paper. "It looks like you're the father, Martin." Julia said, staring at Deeks.

Deeks just say there, mouth hanging open. He didn't know what to do or say. He just sat there.

"Close your mouth, dear, you'll catch flies." Julia said as she lifted his jaw.

"I'm a father." Deeks whispered.

"Congratulations." Julia said, and she left the waiting room.

She walked back into Kensi's room.

"Now's you last chance to see her, Kensi. I just notified the father. He's gonna come and take custody."

"Good."

"Please, Kensi. At least say goodbye."

"No."

"Fine." Julia carefully wheeled the carriage to the waiting room, and showed Deeks the baby. Ethan had left already.

"She's beautiful. She looks like Kensi."

"I know. Unfortunately, Kensi doesn't know that. She's refusing to even acknowledge the baby. Poor little one doesn't even have a name."

"I have a name picked out. Taylor Kensi Deeks."

"That's a lovely name. I'll go get the nurse, so you can sign the birth certificate."

Julia flagged down the nurse, and left Taylor alone with Deeks. Deeks slowly picked up the baby, and cradled her to his chest. He even shed a few tears. She was so beautiful. She had blue eyes, and blonde hair. She had Kensi's nose and lips. She had Kensi's tan skin. She looked so much like Kensi. Deeks felt it was only appropriate to incorporate Kensi's name with Taylor's.

Julia came back with a nurse and the birth certificate. Deeks signed the certificate, and Taylor officially became his.

"I'm your dad, little one." He whispered in her ear.

"Marty, will I still be able to see her? Can I still be her grandma?" Julia asked.

"Of course. Just because Kensi isn't her mom, doesn't mean you can't be her grandma."

"Thank you." Julia said, as she gave Deeks a small hug.

"Is Kensi ok? Did the birth go ok?"

"She's fine, I think. I'm not really sure. She's just kind of laying there. As for the birth, she was already 9 centimeters when she got here. She actually drove herself. She pushed for about an hour, and the doctor was even considering a c-section, but 3 pushes later, Taylor was out."

"Do you think Kensi would've let me be in there?"

"Probably not. She seemed like she was prepared to do it alone."

"Is she depressed?"

"I think so. She just sits around all day. She's binge eating, and binge watching. Any time I try to get her to go out, she makes up some excuse as to why she can't. Most days, she doesn't even get out of bed."

"Is me taking the baby gonna make her even more depressed. I know postpartum depression is a thing. Is this gonna make it worse?"

"It's hard to say. It seems like she wants nothing to do with the baby."

"I'm fully prepared to raise Taylor by myself, but I wish Kensi would at least show a little interest. This is her daughter, after all."

"I think she just feels so guilty. She feels guilty about what she did, and who she's become. She feels guilty about showing any interest in the baby, because she doesn't want to upset you even more. So she hides her true feelings. She buries them down, but one day they'll all come back up. That's the day I'm almost afraid of."

"I miss her. I mean I'm still mad and hurt, but I miss her so much. I wish we could raise our child together."

"I think she misses you too. But again, I just don't know."

"Thank you for telling me this. You should probably go home and get some rest."

"I bought things for you, so you wouldn't have to buy them all yourself. I bought a crib, a car seat, some clothes, diapers, formula, bottles, pacifiers, a changing table, and a stuffed tiger. Kensi had a similar stuffed tiger when she was little. I figured I should pass on the tradition."

"Kensi told me once that she wanted a baby tiger for Christmas."

"She still does."

"Thank you so much, Julia. It means a lot."

"You're welcome. I'll come buy later, and drop off the car seat. Then when she's discharged, you can come pick up the stuff."

"Will do."

Julia walked out of the waiting room, and Deeks was again alone with Taylor. He stared down at her and thought, 'She's my future.'


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Deeks politely asked a nurse if he could stay in an empty bed. The nurse agreed, and showed Deeks a room. Deeks wheeled the carriage next to the bed, and laid in bed. After a short while, he fell asleep. Of course it wasn't for long, because about 30 minutes later, Taylor started crying. Deeks pressed the call button for help. A nurse came in, and changed Taylor's diaper. She also prepared a bottle, and taught Deeks how to feed the baby. The nurse left some extra diapers and wipes, and then left the room.

Deeks fed Taylor pretty easily, and he fell back asleep, cradling Taylor.

About 2 hours later, a hospital pediatrician came in.

"Hello. My name is Dr. Alan Johnson. Who might you be?"

"I'm Martin Deeks. This little one's father."

"If you don't mind me asking, where's the mother?"

"She's in another room. It's kind of a complicated story. Basically, I have full custody of the baby."

"Ok. I just came by to do another Apgar test, and make sure everything is ok."

"Ok."

Deeks hesitantly handed Taylor to the doctor. The doctor laid Taylor down in her carriage, and began doing another Apgar test.

"She seems perfectly healthy. I think you will be able to go home today. I'm thinking sometime around noon."

"Thank you."

"Congratulations." The doctor said, as he left the room.

Deeks swaddled Taylor and he laid back down in the bed. He was able to get about 3 hours of sleep, until Taylor was hungry again. By this time, Julia had come back to the hospital.

"Good morning. How's Taylor?"

"She's good. The doctor said we should be able to go home around noon. How's Kensi?"

"I don't know yet. I wanted to see Taylor before I saw Kensi."

Julia carefully picked up the newborn, and rocked her. She was sleeping, so Julia didn't want to wake her. After almost an hour, Julia gave Taylor back to Deeks, and went to see Kensi.

"How're you doing?" Julia asked Kensi as she entered her room."

"I'm fine." Kensi answered simply.

"And how're you really doing?" Julia asked, seeing right through Kensi's lie.

"I'm sore. But I'll be better when I get out of here."

"Has the doctor come by to check on you yet?"

"Yeah. She came by earlier. She said I have stay for one more day."

"Taylor gets to leave today."

"Taylor?"

"The baby. That's what her father named her."

"Cool."

"Do you want to see her?"

"Nope."

"She's beautiful, Kensi. She looks just like you."

"Ok."

"Please?"

"No."

"Are you just going deny her existence for the rest of your life?"

"I don't know." Kensi shrugged.

"Kensi, I think you need help."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Do not talk to me like that."

"What do you mean I need help? I'm perfectly fine."

"But you're not, Kensi. I think you're depressed."

"I'm not depressed."

"You barely get out of bed, you binge eat and binge watch, you never want to talk about your true feelings. You don't even want to meet your baby. That sounds like depression to me."

"I'm fine."

"You're not."

"Yes, I am."

"Please just get help. You should at least call your psychologist friend. Nate, is it?"

"I haven't seen him in years, and he works for NCIS. I don't want anything to do with them. And I doubt they want anything to do with me."

"How do you know that?"

"I betrayed Deeks. Obviously they're gonna take his side. They probably hate me."

"You won't know unless you try. Just visit them. At least call Nate."

"I'll think about it."

"Now, I have to go."

"Ok."

"I'll be back later."

Julia left the room, and went back to Deeks' room.

"Is she ready to be discharged?" Julia asked as she stepped back into the room.

"Yep." Deeks said as she strapped Taylor into the car seat.

"You can come over to my house, to pick up all of the stuff."

"Ok."

Deeks carefully picked up the car seat and followed Julia out to the parking lot. Julia helped Deeks secure the car seat in the car, and Deeks was off. Deeks got to Julia's house a little bit before she did, so he waited for her.

Once she got there, Deeks loaded everything in the car, and sat down for a generous cup of tea.

"Kensi believes everyone on your team hates her. Is that true?"

"Not at all. I mean they were mad at first, but they got over it when I told them she didn't deserve it. They miss her."

"I told her to call Nate. I think she should talk to someone she trusts."

"Nate came by a few months ago to see how I was doing. He asked about her. I just said she was fine. I didn't really know what else to say."

"She says she's fine. Says she doesn't need help. She does, though. She just doesn't want to show weakness, just like her father."

"She never wanted to open up. That was one of the biggest flaws in our marriage. She just bottled things up, until she exploded, usually with anger. Of course, I was the recipient of that anger."

"Is there anyway you'd ever consider getting back together?"

"Maybe. We'd have work really hard, and it'd be a lot harder because now we have Taylor."

"Unfortunately, I think Taylor's the only reason your marriage would fail again. Kensi is so adamant about not having kids. She doesn't want anything to do with them, not even her own daughter."

"Obviously, that's not gonna fly. I can't not be there for Taylor. She needs me."

"I know, and I expect you to always be there for her. Even if it involves never having another chance with Kensi."

"Yeah."

The two continued to talk for awhile, until Deeks decided it was time to leave. They said their goodbyes, and Deeks was off.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Kensi was discharged the next day. She of course went back to the same routine. Stay in bed all day, binge eat and binge watch. She had nothing better to do. She had no one to look after, she had no job, no responsibilities. It was just her. She was really all she had to worry about. Why even bother getting out of bed?

Kensi followed this routine for a month, until Julia had to practically drag her out of bed to go to her postpartum appointment.

"Hello Ms. Blye. How're you today?" The way-too-cheery doctor asked.

"I'm fine." Kensi replied simply.

"How's the baby?"

Kensi just shrugged.

"What does that mean?"

"I haven't seen the baby. Her father has full custody of her."

"Has he messaged you saying how she's doing?"

"Nope. That's just the way I want it."

"Alright."

The doctor did some routine things. Height, weight, diet, blah blah blah. Kensi was just so over it.

"I think you might be suffering from Postpartum Depression."

"I'm not depressed."

"I'm not a psychologist, but I see women with PPD all the time. It's very common. Your body has just been through a very traumatic experience. You had all these hormones, and now they're just gone."

"I already said I'm fine."

"If you ever want to talk to someone, we have an in-house psychologist. She specializes in women's health." The doctor said as she handed Kensi a business card.

"I would like to see you back in 3 months. As for right now, you are cleared to go back to work, and have sex."

"Thanks." Kensi said as she hopped off the table, and left.

When Kensi got back to her mom's house, she discovered her things in boxes.

"Mom?" Kensi called out.

"In here." Julia replied.

Kensi walked into her room, only to find more boxes.

"What's going on?"

"I want you to move out. You've been living here for almost a year. Now that you aren't pregnant anymore, I would like you to find your own place."

"Like, right now?"

"Well, you're moving out like right now. As for where you go, isn't really my problem."

"Why didn't you tell me you wanted me to move out?"

"I thought you already knew. I guess not."

"Ok." Kensi sighed as she picked up a box. She carried it out to her car. She continued this pattern, until all of the boxes were in her car. She boxed up a few more things, and then put those in the car.

"Here's your key." Kensi said, as she gave Julia her house key back.

"I'm sorry Kensi, but I tried to help you. I tired to offer my help, and my support, but you refused. This was the only way I could think of to get you to help yourself."

"It's ok."

And just like that, she was gone. Kensi drove to a nearby motel, and took an already prepared go bag inside with her. She plopped down on the bed, and for the first time, she cried.

She was so exhausted. She couldn't keep doing this to herself. So, she just cried. She cried for hours. She hadn't cried in so long, after awhile it just became cathartic. Eventually, she stopped crying. She hopped in her car, and started driving around, going to look for a job. After about an hour of searching, she found a job at a nearby auto shop. She knew it wasn't gonna pay rent, but it was something.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Kensi started her new job, the following Monday. It was boring, and extremely slow, but it was at least something to occupy her mind.

One day, when Kensi was at the grocery store, she saw an all too familiar face.

"Kensi?"

"Hi Deeks." She said, as she turned around to face him. He had a shopping cart, with a car seat in it.

'Well, now I know who the father is.' Kensi thought.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Fine?"

"Yep. Just fine. Couldn't be better." She lied.

"That's great."

"Yeah, super great."

"When are you gonna admit that she exists?" Deeks asked, referring to Taylor.

"Never. She's not my daughter. She's not my problem. I have no right to care."

"You're still her mother, Kensi."

"No, I'm not."

"If you ever want to see her, just call me. The offer will always stand."

"Ok." And then she walked away.

Kensi mentally kicked herself for away. She missed Deeks so much, more than anything. He was the love of her life. He was basically handing her the opportunity to meet her daughter, but she said it wasn't her problem. And it's not, technically. Taylor isn't her daughter. She gave up the right to be called a mother when she gave Deeks custody. But that didn't really mean she didn't really care.

Of course she cared. She gave birth to Taylor, for God's sake. She went through over a day of grueling labor to birth a beautiful, healthy baby girl. She cared about Taylor so much. She just didn't think it was her place to care. She wasn't Taylor's mom. She had the opportunity to be, but she just couldn't.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

It's been nearly a year since Taylor was born. In that time, Kensi had moved into an apartment near the beach, and even started seeing someone. She hadn't seen Deeks since that one day at the store. She'd listened to her mom, and went to see Nate. She hadn't seen any of the team, not even Hetty.

Her old life was gone. She was done with it. She just needed a fresh start, and that's exactly what she got.

"Have you ever thought about kids?" Luca asked, one lazy night when he and Kensi were curled up on the couch.

"Yeah. I've thought about it." Kensi replies shortly.

"Well? Do you want kids?"

"Not really."

"Ever? Not even in a couple years?"

"Nope."

"How come?"

"I like kids, they're all cute and cuddly, but I just don't want them. It's just not my thing."

"Did you and your ex ever think about kids?"

Kensi swallowed hard at that question. She hadn't told Luca about Taylor.

"That's one of the reason's we broke up. He wanted kids and I didn't."

"How long were you married?"

"3 years."

"Do you miss him?"

Kensi just shrugged. She wanted Luca to see that this was a sore subject.

"Is this making you uncomfortable?"

"Kinda. It's just not my favorite topic."

"I want kids."

Kensi didn't know what to say. She didn't want kids, and she was willing to break up with him to let him be a father.

"Then I think we need to break up."

"Just like that? You won't even consider it?"

"I don't want kids. I never have and I never will. If you do, then I don't think we're a good match."

"But I love you."

"I want you to be happy. If kids will make you happy, then we can't be together."

"I'm sorry, Kensi."

"It's ok."

Luca grabbed his coat and left the apartment. Kensi was left sitting on the couch, staring off into space. She was sad, but she didn't want to cry. How could she? She barely knew Luca. They'd only been dating for 5 months. She liked him, but she didn't see herself marrying him. She honestly didn't know if she'd ever get married again.

The next day, Kensi had a session with Nate.

"How've you been since the last time we met?" Nate asked.

"Luca and I broke up." Kensi said, strait forwardly

"What happened?"

"He said he wanted kids. I said I didn't. I figured it'd just be best if we end the relationship before it goes any further."

"Are you sad?"

"I guess. I just feel kind of relieved and like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I knew the day would come when he'd ask about children. To be honest, I though it would've come sooner."

"Why are you so not into the idea of having kids?"

"I just don't want them. I don't want the stereotypical family with 2.5 kids and a white picket fence. If that means I'll be alone for the rest of my life, then I guess that's what will happen."

"When's the last time you spoke to Deeks?"

"About a month after Taylor was born."

"Has he called you? Tried to contact you at all?"

"He called me last week. He left a voice message saying he wanted to invite me to her first birthday party."

"Are you gonna go?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"She's not my daughter."

"You say that a lot. 'She's not my daughter.' 'Not my responsibility.' What makes you think that she can't be? Deeks obviously wants you in her life. She can still be yours."

"I don't want kids."

"I think you're only saying that to protect yourself. You don't want to get hurt again. I get it, but she's not gonna hurt you. She needs a mother."

"How do I know that he hasn't moved on? Maybe his new thing can be her mom."

"Even if he has moved on, he clearly still wants you to be apart of her life."

"I don't want to be apart of hers. She doesn't want me."

"Do you want her?"

"I don't know." Kensi shrugged.

"Well, you need to figure it out. He's not gonna wait for you forever. He will move on. She will have a mom that loves her and will be there for her. She will never know you."

"Maybe it's for the best. Having a mom that loves her is better than what I can do."

"Just consider going to the birthday party. If you go, and never see her again, it's not like she'll remember."

"Oh god, I just thought of this. The team will be there, won't they?"

"Yeah, probably. I'm assuming you haven't seen them in a long time."

"I haven't seen them since I resigned."

"They miss you."

"I can't face them."

"They don't blame you. They're not mad at you. They just want to see you again. Nell and Eric are engaged and Nell's pregnant. Callen and Anna finally started dating. Sam and Nicole are dating too. I think they just moved in together. They all want you to be apart of their new lives."

"I'm happy for them. I really am, but I just can't. I'm not ready. I probably won't ever be."

"Just try."

"I will."

Nate and Kensi talked about a few more things, until Kensi said she was done for the day. They said their goodbyes, and Kensi left.

Kensi went home to her boring apartment, and then got ready to go to her boring job. She realized a long time ago that her life was just boring. She had nothing interesting. Kat, Mindy, Mandy, Tiffany, and Tiffany were all super busy with their own lives. Kensi had just broken up with her boyfriend. She refused to see the team, and her ex and daughter were too much of a sore subject to even consider.

She had nothing left. No one who really cared, or she really cared for. Her best friend was her shrink.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

It had been two weeks since she and Luca broke. He'd come back 2 days later to pick up all of his things.

Today was Taylor's birthday. She knew today was also her birthday party, but of course she didn't go. Instead, she took off from work, ate too much ice cream, and drank too many beers. In her drunken state, she picked up the up the phone 10 times to call Deeks, but she never did. Even though she was shit-faced drunk, she still couldn't call him.

She was too much of a coward to wish her daughter a happy birthday. She was too much of a coward to call her ex husband. She was afraid of what would happen if she did.

But what did she have to lose? It's not like she really wanted to be apart of their lives.

"Hello." Deeks voice sounded through the phone.

"Deeks?" Kensi slurred.

"Kensi?"

"Hi. I just wanted to say Happy Birthday to Taylor." She slurred again.

"Are you drunk?"

"Maybe."

"Call me back when you sober up. Maybe then you can think about what you're doing."

"I know what I'm doing. I'm just wanted to wish her a Happy Birthday."

"I invited you to the party. You never answered me."

"Well clearly I didn't want to go. I just thought it would be nice to wish her well. And you too. I hope you're doing well. Bye."

And then she hung up.

She was so stupid. She was wrong. She did have something to lose. She lost any chance she might have with Deeks and Taylor.

But she didn't have much time to feel sorry for herself. She felt her stomach lurch, and she started feeling shaky. She was gonna throw up.

She ran to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. She'd felt awful, but at least she'd sober up soon. Then maybe she'd call Deeks back. Explain herself.

After she finished throwing up, she quickly cleaned out the sink, and plopped herself into bed. She'd sleep off the rest, and call Deeks again in the morning.

The next morning, she felt like absolute shit, but she picked up the phone anyway. She hesitated for a moment, but eventually tapped on Deeks' contact.

"Hello?" Deeks said, gruffly.

"Hi."

"What are you doing, Kensi? Why are you doing this to yourself? You said you didn't want to mother her. Just let it go." He said, exhaustedly.

"I thought I could let go, and never have to worry about her again. I tried, I really did. I started to move on, but then things didn't work out, and I realized I have absolutely nothing. I have a boring job, and that is it. I lost all my friends and family, within a few months, and I have no one."

"You pushed everyone away, Kensi. They all still want to be apart of your life. They all still love you, but you don't want them. You don't want us."

"I do, I just don't think I can repair all the relationships I've damaged. I can't fix them, because I'm broken too."

"You need to fix yourself, before you can fix your relationship."

"I know. I'm sorry I called you. I shouldn't have done it. I was so drunk, and now I have an awful hangover, and I just need to stop. I'm sorry for bothering you. Bye."

But before Kensi could hang up, Deeks stopped her. "Don't hang up. If you have time later today, you can come by. It's been so long since I've seen you. I want to talk in person."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"It'll be fine. Just please come over."

Kensi thought about it for a moment, and finally answered. "Ok. I'll come over around 3." Kensi looked at her watch, and saw that it was around 11:00. "Do you still live in the same house?"

"Yeah. I'll seen you then. And remember, you'll be fine. This will all be fine. You don't have to see Taylor if you don't want to, but you can if you want. Bye."

Before Kensi knew it, 2:30 rolled around, and she was rushing to get ready. She chose some simple ripped skinny jeans, and a plain t-shirt, with a pair of white Converse. She hopped in her car, and headed over to her old house.

She stayed in the car for a few minutes, just trying to prepare herself, before she rang the doorbell. She heard a dog bark, and then saw an all too familiar face open the door.

"Hi." Kensi breathed out.

"Hi, um, come in." Deeks said, as he moved aside.

Kensi walked in, and was greeted with a dog. She immediately noticed it wasn't Monty, and began to feel a little sad.

"Monty died when you were about 5 months pregnant. I went without a dog for a couple of months, and then found him at a shelter. His name is Raccoon because of the spots around his eyes. He's about 2 years old."

"Raccoon?" Kensi asked, silently wondering if it had any connection to their extensive love story.

"It's purely a coincidence." He said, picking up what she was silently asking.

"How's Taylor?"

"She's good. She just started walking by herself, and she can say a few words. She's so smart and beautiful. She reminds me of you." The last part was added in, quieter than the rest.

"Does she know who I am?"

"I've showed her old videos and pictures. She calls you mama. So yeah, she knows."

"Why?"

"I wanted her to know you, even though you don't want to know her. She deserves to have as normal of a life as I can give her."

"Can I, um, can I see her? Is she here?"

"Yeah, she's in her room."

Deeks led Kensi to Taylor's room, he slowly opened the door, and right in the middle of the floor, there she was. She had beautiful blonde, curly hair, and tan skin. She was beautiful, like Deeks had said.

"Taylor, I have someone for you to meet." Deeks said, as he picked her up.

He turned around, so that Taylor could see Kensi.

"Mama?" Taylor questioned, as she pointed to Kensi.

"Yeah baby, that's mama."

"Mama!" She said, more excitedly. She was squirming around his Deeks' arms, indicating she wanted to go to Kensi.

"Do you want to hold her?"

"Um, I don't know. I'm not good with kids."

"You'll be fine. You're not gonna drop her. She's not a newborn, you're not gonna hurt her."

"Ok." She said, holding out her arms. Deeks carefully placed Taylor in her arms.

"Mama!" She squealed, as she gave Kensi a slobbery opened mouth kiss on the cheek.

Kensi didn't really know how to respond, she gave an awkward laugh.

"Hi." Kensi said, timidly.

Taylor put her chubby little arms around Kensi's neck, in a pseudo hug.

Kensi was getting tired of standing, so she sat down cross legged on the floor.

Taylor let go, and went over to her toy chest. She picked up a stuffed animal, went back to Kensi, and placed it in her lap.

Kensi discovered it was a stuffed tiger.

Deeks sat down opposite of Kensi, and said: "Julia got that for her shortly after she was born. Said you had a similar one."

"Yeah, I did. I loved that stupid tiger." Kensi, as she quickly wiped away a stray tear.

"Why are you crying?"

"I'm not."

"What's wrong?"

"This is all so much. I mean she is so beautiful, and sweet, and you are, well you. I just really miss you and I want her more than I realized. I'm crying because I know that I missed the opportunity to have all of this."

"But what if you didn't? What if you can still have all of this?"

"What are you saying, Deeks?"

"I'm saying that you can still have this. You can be Taylor's mama. We can try to repair our relationship. I can help you repair the relationship with the team and your mom."

"Are you being serious?"

"Yeah, Kens, I'm being serious. I miss you too. I want us again, and I want you to be happy."

"Ok. We're really doing this."

"Yeah, we really are."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It had been a week since Kensi had reconciled her relationship with Deeks. In that time, Kensi had seen her mom for the first time in 8 months, as well as Kat and Mandy.

Today was the day Kensi was going to see the team at OSP for the first time in almost 2 years.

After dropping off Taylor at daycare, Deeks dropped by Kensi's place, and they rode to the Mission together.

"Are you nervous about seeing them?"

"Yeah. I'm also a little scared that they'll be mad at me."

"They won't be mad, trust me. They're just happy that they finally get to see you again."

"A few weeks ago, Nate told me about the team. He said Nell and Eric are engaged and expecting a baby. Callen and Anna are finally dating. Sam and DeChamps are dating and moved in together. Is all of that true?"

"Yeah. Nell's about 6 months. My guess is they celebrated a little too hard the night of their engagement, because about 2 months later, she told us she was pregnant."

A that, Kensi smiled.

"And there it is. That smile."

"What are we?"

"Um, friends for now. We will raise our daughter together, and maybe work for something more."

"Ok. I just wanted to know, because we haven't really talked about it."

"If we don't ever achieve something more, would you be ok with that?"

"I don't know. What exactly are you asking me?"

"I'm seeing someone, Kensi."

"Oh." She said, trying to hide her hurt feelings.

"We met when Taylor was about 2 months old. We started dating about 2 weeks later."

"Oh."

"I really like her. She makes me happy. It's so much easier with her. We don't have all the history that you and I have. She also has a child. She has a 3 year old daughter."

"I'm glad you're happy." She said, as tears started filling her eyes.

"Thank you."

"Um, yeah, I don't know if I can do this. I think this was a mistake." She said, as she quickly swiped at a stray tear.

"What? Reconnecting with your friends and family?"

"Yes. All of this. I can't be a mother. I can't meet the team again. I just can't do it."

"You thought you were gonna come back and everything was gonna be the same, didn't you?"

"I'd be lying if I said I didn't."

"It's been almost 2 years. Of course things are different."

"I know. That's why I can't do this."

"Do you know what kind of effect this will have on Taylor? In the short week that you've known each other, she has become attached to you. She's gonna be crushed that you left."

"I know, and I'm sorry, but she won't remember. She'll be fine."

"And what about me?"

"What about you? You obviously don't care if I leave. You've started another life. I should move on too."

"Do you still want to go to the Mission? I have to go to work, so you need to decide."

Kensi looked around at where they were and discovered they were in walking distance to the beach.

"Just drop me off here."

"I'm sorry Kensi. I really am."

"You know, I actually thought we were falling for each other again. I guess that's just how stupid I am." She said with a humorless chuckle. "Goodbye Deeks. Taylor is amazing. You've done a great job."

"Goodbye, Kens." He said, barely above a whisper. His voice was full of emotion.

Once Deeks came to a full stop, Kensi unbuckled her seatbelt, and got out of the car. Deeks waited until she started walking toward the water to drive off.

Deeks got to work, finally, after 30 minutes in traffic. By some miracle he wasn't late. When he walked into the bullpen, he discovered the whole team standing there, a banner hanging from the ceiling that read 'Welcome Back Kensi,' and a cake sitting on her old desk.

"Where's Kensi?" Nell asked, seeing Deeks walked in alone.

"She said she couldn't do it. I dropped her off at the beach." Deeks said as he shrugged his shoulders and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"What happened?" Eric asked.

"I told her about Gabby. I guess she wasn't expecting it. She thought she would come back and everything would be the same. It isn't, and she couldn't handle it."

"What about Taylor?" Sam asked.

"She said she can't be a mom, and Taylor won't even remember her anyway."

"So that's it? She's just gone?" Callen asked.

"Yep. Honestly at this point, I'm done. I've tried to help. She didn't want the help, I can't do anything else."

"You're just gonna give up on her?" Nell asked, finding her voice again.

"I can't do anything else for her. She has to want it. She clearly doesn't. She's changed. She's not the fearless, brave woman she was 2 years ago. Now, she's afraid of getting hurt, and I don't know, maybe hurting others. She has almost no self confidence or will power anymore. She's changed, but maybe it's for the better. She can move on, and so can I."

"Maybe it was too soon to tell her about Gabby. I mean she just reconnected with you a week again. Maybe you should've waited." Callen suggested.

"She asked what was happening between us. I couldn't just lie to her. She would've been even more crushed when she found out the truth."

"Do you truly love Gabby?" Sam inquired.

"She makes me happy."

"That's not what I asked. Love isn't just about happiness. Love is the good, the bad, and the ugly. Love is when they make you feel not only happy, but terrified, and angry, and worried, and about a billion other emotions. Does Gabby make you feel those things?"

"I-Uh-I don't know. Maybe, maybe not. It's hard to say."

"If you have to think about, the answer's probably no."

"Life with Gabby is just so much easier. There's not extra baggage. She's easy. Kensi was never easy. She and I just shared way too much history."

"What if that history is what made your love work?" Nell gave.

"It didn't work, though. We got divorced."

"Did either of you really want that divorce?" Callen pried.

"I've never told you guys this, but Kensi is the reason we got a divorce. She was cheating on me."

"That's awful and I'm so sorry, but that didn't answer my question. Did either of you really want to get divorced?"

"Truthfully, no. We wanted to stay married and make it work, but it was just too hard. We didn't have the energy, patience, or drive to make it last. We were just so exhausted at that point, we didn't care what happened."

"Then what the hell are you doing, Deeks? You just said neither of you wanted that divorce. Why did you start dating Gabby, instead of trying to reach out to Kensi?"

"There's is no logical reason she and I should be together."

"Love isn't logical, Deeks." Sam pointed out.

"We're done. Period. End of story." Deeks said as he made his way of past Eric and Nell, and sat down at his desk.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

Kensi walked along the beach for awhile, until she found a secluded area, and sat down. She stared out at the water, and just broke down. Everything in her life had gone to shit. She had finally thought things were getting better. She thought things were looking up, but that was just how naïve she was. Nothing in her life ever went right, she was stupid to think this would.

After almost two hours on the beach, she called an Uber, and went home. When she went into her bedroom, she found Taylor's stuffed tiger on the floor. She sunk to the floor, held the tiger, and broke down for the second time that day.

What was wrong with her? She normally didn't cry this much. She didn't even think she had become so attached to this idea of starting over. Maybe she was.

God, she needed to pull herself together. She just had to accept the fact the it was over. It was nice while it lasted, but it was over now.

Later that night, she got three calls, two messages, and 5 texts from Deeks. She chose to ignore each one of them. She needed to accept the fact the he's moved on, and she couldn't do that if she still had contact with him. She drifted off to sleep sometime after 8pm, but was rudely awakened when there was a knock at her door.

She pushed herself out of bed, and schlepped to her front door. She slowly opened the door and was shocked to see who was there.

"Deeks, what the hell are you doing here?" Kensi exclaimed, still slightly groggy from sleep.

"I know it's really late. I just got off of work, um, can I come in?" Deeks asked, slightly timidly.

"No. What do you want?"

"I tried calling you and texting you, earlier. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry about today. It was rude of me to say what I said so bluntly."

"It's fine. I really am happy for you. I'm glad you moved on. I'll be fine. I don't need anyone, anyway."

"Kens, are you really gonna revert back to the way you were when we met? You know that it's ok to rely on people."

"Just please leave, Deeks."

"Kensi, why are you pushing me away?"

"Why am I pushing you away? Are you kidding me? You told me you're seeing someone else. You shouldn't even be here. I was so stupid to think everything would go back to normal. It's not ever gonna be the same again, and I need to accept that. The only way I know how is to push people away. I need to find myself again. Who knows, maybe I'll move out of LA."

"You don't have to leave. We can still try to work things out. You can still be Taylor's mom."

"Taylor needs a mom who's willing to be there. I'm not that person."

"Why can't you be?"

"I just can't. Now, please leave."

"I still love you." He blurted out.

"What?"

"I don't think I will ever stop loving you."

Kensi didn't know what to say. Why the hell would he just admit something like that? He's dating someone. They're divorced. How could he tell her he still loves her?

At a loss for words, Kensi just closed the door in Deeks' face.

A few moments later, Deeks knocked on the door again. Kensi debated whether to open it or not, and decided she couldn't hide from her problems forever.

"Why the hell would you say something like that?" Kensi asked, as she opened the door again.

"Because it's true. You will always be the love of my life."

"We're divorced, Deeks. We got divorced for a reason."

"A stupid reason that never should've messed up our marriage."

"I cheated on you. That's part of the reason we got divorced. And I don't want kids."

"You say you don't want kids, but you were the one who made the effort to connect with Taylor. I saw the way you interacted with her. You love her because you are her mother."

"I don't know what I'm supposed to say, Deeks."

"Will you stay and try to make things work; yes or no?"

Kensi didn't know what to say. She loved Taylor, and she was still madly in love with Deeks, but she didn't know if she could give a go at family life again. She and Deeks had been divorced for almost 2 years. A lot had happened in those 2 years. They were different people now, but were they too different?

"Yes. I will stay. If I stay, you need to break up with her. I can't do the whole coparenting, dad has a girlfriend and another child thing. It needs to be me, you, and Taylor, no one else."

"Kens, I can't just break up with her."

Kensi sigh and rolled her eyes. "Of course. The my answer is no."

"Kensi. Come on, Fern."

Kensi froze at that. She hadn't heard that in so long.

"No. You don't get to call me that. You lost that right."

"Now you're acting like the divorce was my fault. I'm not the one who cheated."

"Just leave. I'm done with this conversation."

"There you go again, just running away when thins get tough."

"I'm not running away. I'm telling you to leave before I call the cops to arrest you for harassment."

"If I walk away, then my offer will be gone. You will lose your chance with Taylor. Do you really want to do that?"

"Of course not. I want to see her, but I also want you to leave."

"Just make up your mind Kensi. I'm not leaving Gabby. She makes me happy and she is so much easier. But you need to decide if you really want to stay in LA and continue the progress you started, or if you want to move and start a new life."

"I'm gonna stay in LA, but I don't think I should be Taylor's mom. Maybe an aunt, or something, but not her mom. Gabby has experience being a mom, she makes you happy, you should start a life with her."

"Kensi, you can still be Taylor's mama. She knows you, and she wants you. You don't have to do this."

"I don't have to but I want to. I want the best for her. I'm not that."

"Kens."

"Give her the best." Kensi said as she closed the door.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Deeks left Kensi's apartment, and went back to the house he now shared with Gabby and her daughter Penelope. As soon as he walked in the door, Taylor ran up to him, more like toddled up to him, and gave him a giant hug. Deeks picked Taylor up, and closed the door. He walked further in the house to find Gabby sitting on the couch, crying.

"Dada, where Lulu?" Taylor asked. Lulu was the name Taylor gave her favorite stuffed tiger.

"I'm not sure, pumpkin. We'll find her tomorrow. Let's go get you to bed."

Deeks carried Taylor all the way upstairs to her nursery. He read her a short book, and she was out like a light. He then walked to his and Gabby's room, changed into sweats and a T-shirt, and went back downstairs to sit next to Gabby on the couch.

"Why are you crying, babe?" Deeks asked, as he put his arm around her.

"I think I'm pregnant."

"You think you're pregnant, or you know you're pregnant?"

"I don't know yet. I took a test over two hours ago, but I couldn't bring myself to look at it. After I put Penny to bed, I started crying."

"Do you want to look at it together?"

"Yeah."

The couple got up from the couch, and went into the bathroom. Deeks picked up the pregnancy test to show Gabby a pink plus sign.

"I think that means you're pregnant." At that, Gabby started crying even more. "Everything will be ok." He said, as he pulled her to his chest.

"Do you even *sob* want another *sob* baby?"

"Was I planning on having anymore kids? No. Will this baby be loved and welcomed with open arms? Yes. I will love this baby. Just like I love Penny and Taylor."

"I guess we're having a baby then.

"I guess so."

Deeks lightly kissed Gabby's forehead, and hugged her again.

"How did you're talk with your ex go?"

"She says she doesn't want to be Taylor's mom. Says you're more qualified and would do a better job."

"Does she still want to be in Taylor's life?"

"She says she wants to be known to Taylor as an aunt."

"Did she give you a reason why she doesn't want to be her mom?"

"No, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with something in her past that I don't know about. You'd think after 13 years, she'd have told me everything, but I think she's hiding something."

"So what happens now? Do I just become Taylor's mom?"

"If you want. I mean she's needs a mother figure in her life. She seems to like you."

"I will happily be her mom."

"I love you, mom of 3."

"Wow, mom if 3 sounds so weird."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

After Deeks left, Kensi went back to her bed, but didn't fall asleep like she had hoped. Instead, she thought about the reason she couldn't be Taylor's mom.

About 18 years ago, the same year she started NCIS, she got pregnant with her ex fiancé's baby. At that time, Jack had just left for Afghanistan, and while he was gone, she discovered she was pregnant. She went through the pregnancy like normal, and when Jack came home, she thought everything would be perfect. Unfortunately, it wasn't. Jack came home with PTSD and with being in her third trimester, she had to worry about herself, the baby, and Jack. In an effort to try to fix things, Kensi transferred from the San Diego field office, to the Office of Special Projects in Los Angeles. She joined Sam and Callen, at 7 and a half months pregnant. She went on maternity leave only 2 weeks after moving to LA.

Kensi gave birth in July of that year, alone in the hospital room, because Jack was out doing God knows what, and hadn't come home in 3 days. The baby was a girl whom Kensi named Averi.

Kensi loved Averi so much. She was her sunshine in the otherwise dark world Kensi now lived in.

The part Kensi leaves out when telling the story of her past, is that Jack didn't just leave her on Christmas, but he also left Averi. Kensi couldn't be too sad in that moment though because it was Averi's first Christmas.

Only 2 days after Christmas, Kensi woke up to her baby girl blue and not breathing. Kensi preformed CPR and called an ambulance, and after being in the ER for 10 minutes, Averi was pronounced dead. The doctors said the cause was most likely Sudden Infant Death Syndrome aka SIDS.

After Averi's death, Kensi became depressed. She felt as if she no longer had a reason to live. She attempted suicide on Valentines Day, less than two months after Averi's death.

The only reason Kensi's suicide was unsuccessful was because Callen and Sam found her before she bled out. They rushed her to the hospital, and Kensi was then admitted to the psych ward for a month.

There, Kensi realized that Averi death was not her fault, but she never really forgave herself.

Even 18 years later, she still couldn't let herself be a mom again. She was too afraid that she would do something to mess it up, and that child would die just like Averi did.

She didn't really know why she never told Deeks about Averi. She figured it was just because she would never truly open up to someone, but the real truth was possibly because she was too scared that having a child with Deeks could be a real possibility because she loved him so much.

But it didn't really matter anymore. She and Deeks are divorced, and she no longer has any ties to him. She's not Taylor's mom, she's not Deeks' wife, she's not an Agent, she's just Kensi Blye again. Emotionally stunted, unattached, badass Kensi Blye.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

8 months later, and things had changed a lot. Deeks and Gabby we're preparing for another little girl that was about to come into their lives in just 1 short month. Kensi got another job at the San Diego NCIS field office. Kensi didn't realize how much she'd missed NCIS until she went back. She'd moved to San Diego, and didn't really look back at LA. She hadn't seen Deeks since she told him to move on. She'd hoped that he'd be happy.

In San Diego, Kensi started dating one of her coworkers. He name was Zach and he was the team psychologist. They'd been going out for only 3 months, but Kensi really liked him. He was so easy and fun. They had a lot in common. They'd both been in previous marriages. Kensi believed that his previous marriage made them connect more.

"So, what do you want for dinner tonight?" Zach asked, as the two laid in bed together. They'd taken the day off and spent several hours in bed.

"I'm actually going up to LA to see my mom. We haven't exactly been in the best of terms. We haven't spoken in a almost 2 years. She called me yesterday, and invited me to dinner."

"Why haven't you talked to her in that long?"

"Well, I was living with her for awhile and she kicked me out after over 9 months. I was mad at her and I didn't want to talk to her. We've never really been on the best terms. She left my dad and I when I was 15. We didn't talk for 15 years. She was involved in a case I was working. We reconnected and our relationship slowly built back up. I guess that what's happening again."

"Why'd she leave you?"

"She married another guy. She moved to Boston and tried to take me with her. We got half way their, and I ran away back to my dad."

"Can I go with you to dinner? Is it too early or-"

"Yes. I'd love for you to come."

"Good, because I don't have any plans for dinner and you know I suck at cooking."

Kensi smiled, and chuckled a little.

"What's your mom like?"

"Well, her name is Julia Feldman. She's really pretty. She knows no boundaries, meaning nothing is really private with her. She's kind when she wants to be, and rude and judgmental when she wants to be."

"Sounds kind of like you."

"I guess. I don't really think were anything alike. I feel like everything I got was from my dad. My dad was my everything when I was younger. He taught me everything he'd teach a son, because he never had a boy. He died the same year my mom left us. He was murdered. It was actually his murder case that led me back to my mom. And I guess technically my ex also convinced me to go see he. We weren't dating at the time, but we were really close."

"What's your ex like?"

"You really want to know?"

"Yeah. He's a big part of your past, and I want to know what he's like."

"His name is Martin Deeks. I called him Deeks from day one, even after we were married. We met him during a case. He was brought onto our team as a temporary LAPD liaison. He came on full term when my partner was killed. Deeks and I became partners. We didn't get along at first. We were pretty different and both very stubborn. There was always some sexual tension from the beginning. After 5 years of working together, we had sex. He asked me out on a date without really asking me out on a date, then we went to his place and had sex. The next day at work, things were awkward and things went bad with our case. I ended up punching him because he didn't take a shot he should've. I told him things wouldn't work out and we should just stay friends. Later that day, I got sent to Afghanistan for 6 months. When I came back, things were awkward and different. We eventually worked things out and we were good again. Next Christmas, I finally decided I was ready to start being something more. We started dating, and things were good. A little over two years later, we went overseas for a case, and things went south. Our helicopter got shot down by a rocket launcher, with my team, our suspect, and myself in it. I was pinned under the helicopter. Luckily, after some time, we were able to be rescued and I was put in a coma. We went back to the states and I was in a coma for a long time. While I was in the coma, Deeks proposed for what was technically the second time. I woke up, and the doctors discovered I had some paralysis. I went though rehab, and during that time, he proposed again. I said no because it was just all so much. Anyway, I finally finished rehab and went back to work part time. I ended being kidnapped by a guy I thought was a friendly disabled vet who I'd met in rehab. Turns out he was actually a CIA agent who I'd injured accidentally during my time in Afghanistan. My team found me and everything was fine. That year, in May, one of the teammate's wife died. We caught the killer, and on a crime scene, after all the stress of that day, I proposed to Deeks with a grenade pull ring. We finally got married two years later, after a brief break up, and then him almost dying in Mexico. We were married for 3 years, before we got divorced."

"Whoa. That's quite the love story."

"Yeah. It was. But it's over now and that part of my life is over. He's dating someone else. He has two kids, and I'm assuming is living a good life."

"Do you miss him?"

"Truthfully, yeah, sometimes. He was a very big part of my life. We have a lot of history. After all we'd been through, it was all just gone. After almost 3 years, it still hurts. I still miss him some days."

"Why did you guys get divorced, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Um, do we have to talk about it? Like I said, it still hurts." Kensi said, starting to get uncomfortable.

"Yeah. You don't have tell me. We can talk about something else."

Kensi looked down at her watched and discovered it was almost 2pm.

"We should probably get ready to go soon. It takes 2 hours to get, and that's excluding traffic."

"Ok. Do you want to join me in the shower?" Zach said, slightly seductively.

Kensi didn't say anything but followed him into the bathroom. What should've been a 15 minute shower, turned into a 45 minute shower. They were scrambling to get dressed and out the door.

"Now that I've told you about my past, tell me about yours." Kensi said, waiting to see how he'd react. When she saw the smile on his face, she didn't fell so bad for asking.

"Her name was Catalina. We met at a coffee shop. She was the barista and I was the not-so-smooth guy who loved cappuccinos. The reason I ordered cappuccinos, was so that I could see her ass when she turned around to use the machine. Anyway, I didn't actually ask her out until almost 3 months after we first met. She said yes, and we started dating. We dated almost 3 years before I asked her to marry me. We got married after 6 months of being engaged. We were married for 4 years before she started asking about kids. I didn't want kids, I haven't since I knew what kids were. I had known that she wanted kids, we'd kind of talked about while we were dating, and then again when we were engaged, but the conversation never really went anywhere. We still had opposing views on kids. A year went by, and she was still begging me to have that conversation with her again. Finally, after a year, she said if I didn't have kids with her, she would file for divorce. We argued and argued, but 6 months later, we were divorced. At the time, I was working for a contracting, but I got the job at NCIS so I moved only a month after the divorce was finalized. That was 3 years ago. I heard that she is now dating someone, and they just had a baby a few months ago."

"That's slightly more tame than my story but still pretty crazy."

"Yeah I guess."

The two sat in silence for awhile, until Kensi put on some pop radio station. Even then, they still remained quiet. About two hours later, they made it to Julia's house.

Kensi got out of the car first and Zach followed close behind. Julia greeted Kensi with a rather awkward hug, and Zach, being ever the gentleman, kissed Julia's hand.

"So, how long have you two been dating?" Julia asked, as they started eating the spaghetti she'd made.

"About 3 months." Kensi said, quietly.

"What do you do, Zach?"

"I'm a psychologist." He said, leaving out the fact that he worked for NCIS.

"Oh. Do you work at a hospital?"

"No. I work in a private practice." He lied.

"Does that pay well?"

"Mom." Kensi warned."

"No, it's fine." Zach said to Kensi. "It pays alright. I mean I'm not living in mansion and I don't have a Lamborghini, but I do pretty well."

"Have you ever been married?"

"Mom, stop. Don't answer that, Zach." Kensi said, started to get agitated.

"Kensi, I'm just trying to get to know him."

"Why? It's not like you really care. As far as you care, I'm barely even your daughter anymore. So just stop acting like you're the loving, caring mom, trying to reconcile with her daughter." Kensi exclaimed.

"Kensi Marie Blye! Do not talk to me like that!"

"I think this was a mistake." Kensi said, starting to get up from the table. "Just go back to being Deeks's mom and acting like you're Taylor's real grandma. That's what you do best, anyway. You find another family when you get bored with your real one."

Kensi walked toward the front door, while Zach quickly apologized and followed Kensi.

"Kensi. What the hell was that? Zach asked, as the two walked back to the car.

"It was a mistake coming here. I thought I'd forgiven her, but I haven't. I'm still mad, and hurt. She's always done this to me. She's loved me for a little bit, and then kicked me away when things got too hard."

Kensi decided she was going to drive back home, so she got into the diver's side, while Zach got into the passenger side. She slowly pulled out of the drive, and then started on the the long drive back to San Diego.

"Who's Taylor?" Zach finally said.

Kensi said and then said: "Taylor's my biological daughter. About a week after Deeks and I originally split, I found out that I was pregnant. I didn't know who's baby it was because I was cheating on him with another guy. I decided to go through with the pregnancy, after the two potentially fathers decided they'd both be willing to parent by themselves. I decided I didn't want to be a mom, so they agreed to be single parents. When the Baby was born, a DNA test was done, proving that Deeks was the father. Deeks took Taylor, and I didn't see her again, until a month later at a store, and then again a few days after her first birthday. I started to reconnect with them for about a week, until Deeks told me he was dating someone and I bailed. I'm assuming his girlfriend is now Taylor's mom, making my mother nothing to her."

"You had a kid?"

"Yeah. Biologically, she's mine. Legally, she's not and I don't want her anyway. She's not really mine."

"Why would you give away your child?"

"It's not like I gave her away to some stranger. I gave her to her father." Kensi said, starting to get defensive.

"Yeah but she's your daughter. She needs her mother."

"She has a mother. Deeks' girlfriend is her mom now. She'll raise her right. She has another child of her own, so she's knows how to be a mom."

"This changes everything."

"How the hell does this change anything?"

"You told me that you didn't have any kids and that you never wanted kids. You lied to me. You also didn't tell me that you cheated on your ex. There's nothing to say that you won't cheat again."

"That part of my life is over. I don't have a kid, and I'm not gonna cheat again."

"How do I know you're not lying?"

"You're the psychologist here, so why don't you tell me?"

"Something tells me you wish you were still with your ex and your daughter."

"Why would you think that?"

"You were reluctant to talk about him at first, but then when you did, you left out important parts like the fact that you cheated on him and that you have a daughter together. The fact that you left parts out suggests that you haven't truly moved on, and you wish that they were still in your life."

"I'm done with this conversation. I had a baby, but she's not mine. End of discussion."

"I think I'm done with this relationship."

"So you're just gonna break up with me?"

Before Zach could get another word out, the passenger side of the car was rammed into by an F150 truck, and was sent flying. Their car rolled twice before it finally stopped upside down. The last thing Kensi heard was someone asking if she was ok, before she blacked out.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Deeks and Gabby were living their best lives, with their two beautiful daughters and one on the way. Deeks had even proposed to Gabby a couple months ago. He'd popped the question while they were on a nice stroll on the beach. After loads of tears from Gabby (pregnancy hormones) she finally chocked out a "yes."

Now, 2 months later, the couple had moved into a bigger house, and were currently sorting through baby clothes and discussing baby names.

"What do you think about Everleigh?" Gabby asked.

"It's cute but it seems too Valley Girl. What about the name Marina?"

"It's cute. Why that name?"

"Well it has to do with the beach and we both love the beach."

"I think we should use it as a middle name."

"Ok. What about the name Harper?"

After a few moments of awe, Gabby finally said: "It's prefect."

"Really?"

"Really. Harper Marina Deeks."

Deeks pulled Gabby in close to his chest and kissed her forehead. He put his other hand on her bump and gently stroked it.

"I love you and I love our family."

"I love you too."

The couple continued sorting through clothes, until Deeks' phone started ringing

"Go for Deeks." He said as he picked up the phone.

"Are you Martin Deeks?"

"Sure am. Who are you?"

"I'm a nurse at Pacific Beach Hospital. You were listed under emergency contacts for one Kensi Blye. She's been in a car accident."

"Is she ok?"

"Sir, I can't talk about her condition on the phone. If you come down here, all will be explained."

"Um, ok." He said, and then hung up.

"What was that about?" Gabby asked.

"My ex was in a car accident. I guess she forgot to take me off her emergency contacts because the hospital just called me."

"Are you gonna go?"

"I don't know. I mean I feel like if it was bad enough for them to call me, then maybe she's in serious trouble but I don't know."

"I think you should go. At least just to make sure she's ok."

"Ok. I'll be back in a little bit." Deeks kissed Gabby, and then headed out the door.

He drove to Pacific Beach, and then went to the front desk to ask about Kensi.

"Excuse me, I'm here to see Kensi Blye." He said to the lady at the front desk.

"I'll have a doctor come to talk to you about her condition. In the meantime, can you please go have a seat and fill out her medical information?" The lady said, handing Deeks a clipboard full of papers.

"Sure." He mumbled, as he sat down in one of the plastic chairs.

Deeks filled out Kensi's chart, and was surprised at how much he remembered. Of course there was some of it he couldn't fill out like what medications she was on or if she was pregnant or not, but he filled it out as best as he could. He gave it back to the front desk lady, and then sat back down. About 15 minutes later, a doctor came to talk to him.

"Ms. Blye was brought in by paramedics after she was in a pretty bad car accident. An F150 T-boned the passenger side of her vehicle. She sustained a broken tibia on her right leg, a broken ulna on her right arm, a couple of broken ribs, and multiple lacerations and bruises, as well as a pretty bad concussion. She's in surgery right now to reset her arm and leg, and stabilize her ribs, but she's expected to make a full recovery. She was brought in with a gentleman who was sitting in the passenger seat. We tried to revive him for over an hour, but he died in the ER."

After processing all the information he'd just been given, he finally asked: "When can I see her?"

"She should be out of surgery in about 30 minutes. I'll come and get you when she's in recovery."

"Ok. Thank you."

The doctor walked away, and Deeks sat back down.

About an hour later, she came back and lead him to Kensi's room.

"If you don't mind me asking, what is your relationship to Ms. Blye?" The doctor asked, as the two walked to Kensi's room.

"I'm her ex husband. I guess she just forgot to take my name off her emergency contacts list after we got divorced."

"Oh. If you don't feel comfortable doing this, you don't have to."

"No I'm fine. I'm just gonna see how she's doing and then leave."

"Ok."

They'd made it to Kensi's room, and Deeks went in. He was slightly shocked to see how vulnerable she looked. She had a cast around her arm and leg, and a tube sticking out of her throat. She had wires and tubes coming out of everywhere.

"When will she wake up?" Deeks asked the doctor.

"She should wake up in a few hours. When she does, just let a nurse know so someone can come take the tube out of her throat." The doctor said, and then proceeded to leave.

Deeks waited a few hours, until she finally woke up. He called in a nurse and she called a doctor who then took the tube of Kensi's throat. Kensi quietly asked for water and Deeks poured her a cup.

"What are you doing here?" Kensi asked, rather coldly.

"I'm apparently still your emergency contact, so the hospital called me. They told me you were in a car accident."

"Where's the guy they brought in with me?"

"He died in the ER."

"Oh." Kensi didn't really know what to say. She'd only known him for a short time, but it still hurt to know that he was gone.

"Who was he?"

"He was a friend from work." Technically that wasn't a total lie. He was from work, they were just a little more than friends.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

Fine obviously meant it wasn't fine, but Deeks decided not to press.

"You can go now. You don't have to stay here."

"Are you gonna be ok? I mean both your dominant hand and dominant leg are in giant casts. How're you gonna get around and stuff?"

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me."

"Kensi, I'm just trying to be civil and all you want to do is push me away. It's not my fault they called me."

"I know, it's mine. It won't happen again. I'll take you off my list."

"Taylor's great, you know." Deeks said, changing the subject.

"That's great to hear." She said, not as genuinely as she would've liked.

"I heard from your mom that you moved to San Diego. I thought you said that you'd stay."

"I don't have anything here, Deeks. I don't have a family, I don't have a job, I don't have friends. There was no reason for me to stay. I moved to San Diego to start over. I got a job at the San Diego field office, and Zach wasn't just a friend. He was my boyfriend. Or I guess technically he broke up with me right before we crashed, but it doesn't really matter. Either way, I started moving on. I'm happy that you've moved on too."

"Yeah. Gabby and I are engaged and we have another baby on the way."

"I'm happy for you."

"Take care of yourself, Kens." Deeks said and then walked out of the room.

After he left, Kensi lost it. She started crying for everything she'd lost in life. She had this awful habit of losing everything she ever cared about. She really had no one anymore. She was all alone in the big, scary world. But it's not really like she could blame anyone but herself. She'd pushed them all away. She was too much of a coward to see anything through to the end. She always ran away when things got too hard.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

At this point, Kensi had been in the hospital for 10 days and she was beyond done. The hospital bed was uncomfortable, the food was awful, the smell made her want to gag, and the noises were unbearable. She just wanted to go home.

On her 11 day at the hospital, she got a visit from a very unexpected guest. Hetty showed up.

"What are you doing here, Hetty?"

"I heard that you were in a car accident and we're still in the hospital. I thought now would be as good a time as any to see how you're doing." She said, shrugging her shoulders.

"As you can see, I'm totally fine. You can leave now."

"Agent Blye, that is not how you will speak to me."

"Well, why did it have to take me being in a car accident for you to finally see me?"

"You never made any effort to stay in touch. I had to use one of my many resources and Mr. Deeks to find out what had happened to you."

"Are you mad at me for what I did to Deeks?"

"Mad? No. Disappointed and maybe a little surprised? Yes. I expected you two to be together forever. When you got divorced it was a big shock. Finding out later that you gave away your own child was an even bigger shock."

"Why is everyone so hung up on that? It's not like I put her into the system or left on a stranger's front doorstep. I gave her to her father. I trusted him to parent her properly."

"But she was your daughter."

"And she's not anymore. End of story."

"Anyway, changing the topic, what are you going to do when you get out of the hospital?"

"Go back to San Diego and continue living my life."

"You're gonna be in casts for another month at least. How're you gonna get around?"

"I don't know. I'll figure it out."

"Nonsense. I want you to come stay with me. My butler will do everything you need."

"Thanks, but I'm good. I'll be able to manage by myself."

"That wasn't just an offer. That was an order, Agent Blye."

"In case you hadn't realized, I don't work for you anymore, Hetty."

"You may not, but I have a lot of friends in high places who can your order go do whatever I want."

After a moment of thought, Kensi said: "Fine."

And stay with Hetty is exactly what she did. For nearly 2 months.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Kensi was at Hetty's house for two months, before Hetty finally agreed to let her leave.

The first Kensi had done when Hetty said she could leave was pack up all her stuff. She said her goodbyes to Hetty, and then got in her newly purchased car, and started her drive back to San Diego. Before she'd completely left LA, she decided to stop by the beach.

Kensi sat there for awhile, just staring at the ocean, she'd kind of spaced out, and didn't come back until the she heard a small child yell mama. She looked around and saw none other than the Deeks clan. It was Deeks, holding whom Kensi thought was Taylor, and then another small girl standing in between Deeks and his fiancée. His fiancée was holding a small baby.

It was presumably Taylor that had yelled mama.

"No, Taylor. That's not mama." Deeks said to Taylor.

"Yes it is. That's mama Kensi." Taylor said, remembering who Kensi was.

"She's not your mom, Taylor. I'm your mama." Gabby said.

"No, she's my mama." Taylor said again, this time pointing at Kensi.

When Taylor pointed at Kensi, she took that as her cue to leave, she stood up and scurried as fast as she could to her.

"Mama!" Taylor yelled again, this time louder.

"Taylor, stop. She doesn't want to be your mama."

When Kensi heard that she stopped in her tracks.

She turned around and started walking towards Deeks.

"Don't ever tell your child that I don't want to be her mom. I still love her, with all my heart." Kensi said, standing in front of Deeks.

"Then why did you leave? I gave you an opportunity to be her mom and you left."

"You started a new life in a year. What was I supposed to do?"

At this point, Deeks had set Taylor on the ground, and Gabby and the kids had walked further down the beach to give Kensi and Deeks some privacy.

"Kensi, at that time, no one was gonna take her away from you. You had every opportunity to be her mom. Gabby and I were just starting out, and I was still hoping you'd change your mind."

"What am I supposed to think when you tell me you've moved in with someone, who also has a kid? I obviously thought you'd moved on."

"Well, it's kind of too late. I have 3 children with her, and were engaged. This time, I have moved on. You should too."

"I tried, but I spent 2 months alone, and it gave me a lot of time to think. Us getting divorced was a mistake. I still love you."

"I do too, Kens, but I'm not in love with you anymore."

"Yeah, right, I'm sorry." Kensi said, trying to hide her disappointment. With nothing more to say, Kensi started walking away.

"I'm sorry, Kensi." Deeks called out, as she walked away.

He truly did feel bad, but what was he supposed to do? He moved on with Gabby and he had a family with her. Kensi was becoming a thing of the past. They got married, and got divorced, and that's about it. Even though Taylor was biologically Kensi's, she'd given up that right.

Kensi had finally made it back to her car, and when she got in, she broke down. She'd lost everything. Her mom probably hated her, he ex husband had moved on, her boyfriend was was dead. Her team wasn't really her team anymore, and they probably hated her anyway. She was all alone.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

Kensi decided to stay in LA for awhile longer. She realized she didn't really anything to back to in San Diego except a job that was becoming more and more meaningless. While she'd been at Hetty's, Hetty had convinced her to stop by the mission, see what's changed, see what's still the same, and maybe say hi to the team.

Kensi was hesitant when Hetty first mentioned it, but she realized that there was no harm in it. They'd probably gotten over any hurt feelings by now. Kensi had mostly gotten over her guilt. She should at least try to build a relationship with them again.

Kensi pulled into her normal parking spot at the mission, and just stayed in her car for awhile. She was thinking about what she would say to them, and what they would think. After about 15 minutes, she glanced at the clock in her car, noting that it was 10:30 and everyone should be there. She got out of her car and walked up to the camera at the front door. She assumed whoever was in Ops recognized her because the door was automatically unlocked and she walked in. She walked down the tunnel towards the bullpen, and before she even got there, Nell came barreling out of the armory and gave Kensi a big bear hug.

"Kensi! What are you doing here?" Nell asked, with a surprised tone.

"I figured it had been long enough. I decided to stop by."

"It's been so long, Kens. Why didn't you call me or at least stop by and say hi?"

"After the divorce, things were hard. I was pretty sure that everyone here would take Deeks' side. I thought everyone hated me. I ended up moving to San Diego again. Things were just easier there."

"But we were never mad at you. We're family, but we didn't get involved at all with your divorce. We just wanted the best for both of you. If that meant you two getting a divorce, then so be it. I didn't exactly expect to lose you though. If I'm being honest, I expected Deeks to leave."

"Well, that's a long story, and a story I'm not willing to tell yet."

Kensi continued walking down the tunnel and finally made it to the bullpen. She peeled her head around the corner to see Sam and Callen sitting next to each. It looked like Sam had been moved to Kensi old desk and Deek's new partner had taken Sam's. Deeks was sitting at his desk, typing away, and Sam and Callen were chatting away.

Sam was the first to notice Kensi. Being the normal Sam, he didn't automatically jump up to greet her. Kensi silently motioned for Sam to follow her and then silently walked away. Sam casually got up and followed behind Kensi.

"Do my eyes deceive me? Did badass Blye finally come back?" Sam said, once he was far enough away from the team. The pair had gathered in the armory.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Why did you leave us?" Sam asked, with no malice meant.

"After the divorce, things were hard. I had to get away. Divorcing someone you've spent over a decade with is just as hard, if not harder than you could imagine."

"But you didn't even really say goodbye. You just kind of left."

"I know, and I'm sorry. The reason is one I'm not willing to share. I'm sorry that I left. I didn't mean for things to go the way they did, but they did."

"It's ok. I'm just glad you're back now. How've you been?"

"Wow, that's the question of the year, isn't it? My life's been crazy."

"How so?"

"Well, I moved to San Diego. I meant someone at the San Diego field office. We'd been dating for a few months when we got into a car accident. We were t-boned on the passenger side. He did at the hospital. I suffered multiple broken bones. I was actually staying at Hetty's for the past two months."

"I'm so sorry, Kens."

"It's ok. It's not your fault, it's mine. If I had just stayed in LA, it wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have met him, we wouldn't have been in the car together, and I wouldn't have broken any bones. But things happen for a reason. What happened, happened and there's nothing I can do about it."

"You shouldn't blame yourself."

"I know, but I do. Anyway, how've you been?" Kensi asked, deflecting this tough conversation away from her.

"Well, I've been pretty good. Nicole and I moved in together and things have been pretty good. Deeks' new partner is extremely green and is quite annoying."

"Whose his new partner?"

"Her name is Rachel Keller. She's just shy of 26. This is her first assignment. Hetty chose her because she was top of her class at FLETC and her parents were both in the Navy."

"Is she pretty?"

"Yes, but she's married if you can believe it. She didn't try to hit on Deeks, if that's what you were wondering."

"I wasn't, but good to know."

The pair walked back out to the bullpen, and Kensi gained enough courage to show herself in front of Deeks. At this point, Deeks' new partner was in her desk. Kensi realized pretty was an understatement. She was stunning. She had beautiful blonde, beach waves, that stretched down to the middle of her back. She had greenish-blue eyes, tanned skin, a flawless no makeup/makeup look. She was practically perfect. Kensi felt a slight pang of jealousy. She didn't know why, she just did.

Deeks looked up from his computer to see Kensi standing at the entrance of the bullpen. He didn't really what to think or how to feel. Should he ignore? Should he act friendly? Should he talk to her at all? Deeks decided to just continue typing.

"Kensi!" Callen exclaimed, excitedly. He jumped up and hugged her, an quietly said they'll talk later.

"Hi." Kensi said, shyly, not knowing what else to say.

"You must be Kensi Blye. I've heard about you." The probie said.

"Good things, I hope." Kensi said, with an awkward laugh.

"I'm Rachel Keller. I'm Marty's new partner." Rachel said as she extended her hand to Kensi for a handshake.

When Kensi heard her call him Marty, she pulled back her hand, and moved back from Rachel.

"What's wrong?" Rachel asked, confused.

"Uh, nothing. Sorry." Kensi said, as she quickly shook Rachel's hand, trying to act like nothing was wrong.

A few minutes later, Eric came rushing down, along with Fatima. Nell came down a little after them, having already seen Kensi.

"Kensi!" Eric exclaimed, as he threw himself at Kensi. Kensi welcomed him with mostly open arms.

After the initial greeting was over, Nell and Kensi gathered in the armory. Kensi was going to explain to Nell what happened.

"So, what happened that caused you to leave LA?"

"Well, there's actually a lot of things before me leaving LA."

"Ok." Nell said, prompting Kensi to continue.

"When Deeks and I got divorced, I went to live with my mom. She made me realize that I was pregnant. I was scared because I had just divorced the love of my life and now I was pregnant. I was determined that I didn't want the baby. I told Deeks, and he said he would keep the baby. Only a few hours after I gave birth, full custody of the baby was given to Deeks."

"This baby is Taylor. He said that you two had been trying to adopt, and then this was the baby you'd adopted together but then you left. I'm assuming that's a lie."

"Yeah, Taylor's biologically mine and his. I didn't talk to Deeks for the first year of Taylor's life. For about a week after Taylor's first birthday, we were on good terms. We were finally becoming a real family. That all ended when he told me he was seeing someone else. I left again, and ended up moving to San Diego. I transferred to the San Diego field office, and I started a new life there. I even met someone there. We were in LA for him to meet my mom. Things didn't go very well. We were driving back to San Diego from her house and we were T-boned in the passenger side. He died in the hospital and I suffered multiple broken bones. I actually stayed at Hetty's house for the past 2 months, recovering."

"Wow."

"I know, it's a lot. Going in that bullpen and seeing him was a lot too. Especially knowing that she's his partner."

"Kensi, she's married. She hasn't tried to and I don't think ever would hit on him."

"I know that. And I know that I shouldn't be jealous, because he's not my husband anymore. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I'm not jealous."

"You're still in love with him, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I am. I didn't want to get divorced."

"Then why did you?"

"That's a whole other story for a whole other day."

Kensi and Nell walked back out to the Bullpen and Deeks again ignored Kensi.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but we've caught a case." Eric said, tapping a few things on his tablet.

The team started heading upstairs, and before Deeks walks out of the bullpen, Kensi caught his arm.

"Can we talk?"

"Kensi, I have to go. I can't do this right now."

"Please."

Deeks stared into her eyes and saw how badly she wanted this.

"Fine."

Deeks sat down on the couch and waited for Kensi to join him.

"I'm sorry for what happened on the beach. I should've just walked away." Kensi said.

"Gaby and I broke up." Deeks said, not really leading the conversation logically.

"What?"

"After you walked away, I caught up with her and she said that I had to chose between her and you. The obvious choice would've been her. I have 3 kids with her and we were engaged, but I chose you. I chose you, my ex wife. The one who's rejected me over and over, the one who didn't want a kid with me, but I still chose you."

Kensi didn't know what to say. What the hell was she supposed to say? Her ex husband was telling her that he broke up with his fiancée for her.

"So what does this mean?"

"It means that I'm not as over you as I thought I was."

"Do we try again?"

"I don't know right now, Kensi. Just because I chose you doesn't mean I'm not mad at you. It also doesn't mean that I want another relationship with you."

"Then why are you telling me this? If you don't want to get back together, then why does it matter that you broke up with Gaby?"

"I don't know. Maybe I do want to get back together."

"I'm confused. Do you or don't you want to get back together?"

After a moment of thought, Deeks gave his answer.

"If I'm being perfectly honest, I'm still in love with you. I don't think I ever stopped being in love with you."

"So we're gonna try this again?"

"I think so."

Before Kensi could say anything else, Deeks leaned in closer and kissed her. If Kensi was being honest, it was one of the best kisses of her life. It wasn't long and it wasn't filled with passion, but it was sweet and spoke thousands of unsaid words.

"I should probably go now." Deeks said as he got off the couch and walked up to Ops.

"Ms. Blye, I see things aren't as bad as you thought they'd be." Hetty said, as she magically appeared in the Bullpen.

"Definitely not. I didn't realize how much I missed this place."

"Not having second thoughts about moving, are we?"

"Well, kinda. Now that things with me and Deeks seem to be back on track and I don't really have anything in San Diego, can I be transferred back to LA?"

"Ms. Blye, you chose to move. You chose to leave LA and go to San Diego." At that, Kensi noticeably slumped and started getting sad. "With that said, the SAC of San Diego owes me a favor. I'm sure we can make something happen."

"Really? I can stay in LA?"

"I can't make any promises, but I'm confident he'll say yes."

"Thank you, Hetty."

With that, Hetty walked away.

Kensi figured they'd be done briefing soon, so she decided to go up to Ops.

"Hi." Kensi said to everyone as they walked out of Ops.

"Is there something you want, Kens?" Sam asked, knowing there was something behind that hi.

"I want to go with you guys. I'm technically still an NCIS agent, so I can still legally work a case."

"Sure, Kens. You can go with Deeks. Rachel, why don't you come with me and Sam? Maybe you can learn a thing or two." Callen said.

"Ok." Rachel said without any protest.

The team dispersed and headed to their respective cars. Before Deeks got in the car, he got a phone call. Deeks answered it, and quickly ended the call, asking only one question: "Are they alright?"

"What's wrong?"

"Gaby was just in a car accident with all three kids in the car. They're all at the hospital right now. Can you call Callen and tell him we're going to the hospital?"

"Yeah."

The pair got in the car and Kensi called Callen and told him what was going on. He said it was fine and to let him know if they found out anything.

Once at the hospital, Deeks practically ran to the triage desk, asking for his daughters.

"They're all in the ER right now."

Deeks jogged down to the ER and quickly found them. Harper was with Gaby, who was conscious and sitting up. Penny and Taylor were with each other in the curtained sectioned right next to Gaby.

"How are they?"

"They're fine. Harper was cleared, Taylor has some minor bruises and scrapes, and Penny has a sprained wrist. I have a broken arm, a sprained ankle, a few cracked ribs, and a concussion."

"Then why the hell are you holding the baby?" Deeks asked harshly, taking Harper away from Gaby.

"Wow, you don't even trust me with my own baby."

"Not when you have a broken arm."

"Just take the kids and leave. I don't want you here anyway."

"Have they been throughly checked out?"

"Yeah, the doctor just said to follow up with their pediatrician."

"Fine. I'll come back later tonight."

Gaby was about to answer when she started convulsing. Deeks yelled for a doctor which then scared Harper. He stepped back away from the bed, in an attempt to calm the baby and let the doctors work on Gaby.

"Dammit, she's coding. I need a crash cart!" Yelled one of the doctors.

They quickly shocked her, and did the same routine 5 times. The doctor then started chest compressions, and even tried a precordial thump a few times. Ultimately, she'd been down for too long and they'd exhausted too many resources.

"I'm gonna call it? Does anyone have any objections?" The doctor asked. After no one said anything, he called the time of death. 11:21am.

"Wait, isn't there something more you can do? Can't you shock her again?" Deeks asked, desperate for his kids to not lose their mother.

"I'm sorry sir, we tried everything we could."

Deeks didn't know what else to say. He had just watched the mother of his children die. What the hell was he supposed to do?

"Daddy, what happened to mama?" Penny asked from the other side of the curtain.

Deeks quickly composed himself and walked over to the other side of the curtain.

"Penny, there's not really an easy way to say this but mama's gone, baby. She won't come back."

"Is mama dead?"

"Yeah, I'm so sorry baby."

"No, I want mama."

"No, Penny. Mama's gone."

"No!" She yelled, not wanting to believe her mother was actually gone.

Deeks sat down in the bed, and wrapped his free arm around Penny. Penny put her head into his chest and cried. It was at this point that Kensi decided to walk over. Taylor immediately recognized who Kensi was and jumped off the bed. She ran over to Kensi and buried her head in Kensi's legs. When Taylor started crying, Kensi awkwardly reached down and patted her back. Deeks mouthed 'Gaby's dead' and Kensi understood.

After Taylor stopped crying, Kensi reached down and picked her up. Deeks handed Kensi the baby so he could properly hug Penny. With a toddler and a baby in either arm, Kensi felt surprisingly domesticated. She never expected herself to feel this way but she did.

After awhile, Deeks scooped up Penny and ushered Kensi and the kids to the waiting room. Deeks sat Penny down in a chair next to Kensi and walked over to the triage desk.

"I need discharge papers for my daughters."

The nurse handed Deeks the papers and told him Gaby would be sent to the morgue and he could claim her there. Deeks quickly filled out the papers and they were on their way.


End file.
